i hope she is in a better place now...someplace where there is no pain, no suffocation, no hassles, no suffering. in the end, that's all i wanted for her; for the pain to disappear. of all the disappointments i've ever faced, this one has been the biggest; the disappointment and hurt associated with losing someone so dear.

one moment you are feeling very safe and secure, assured of unconditional and limitless love, and the next moment that safety net is yanked and you see the depths of the abyss that you could fall into. it's a crazy feeling, one that leaves you feeling very unnerved.

i think she must know that i miss her...that behind the calm face and the dry eyes, there lurks a sense of intense longing, to be able to pick up the phone, dial that number and talk to her for a while, about everything under the blue sky.

there has never been a soul and there never will be one again, that knew my entire life without having to be told about it. she knew the secret desires of my heart, she knew of the crushes, the first love..everything! and she was magnanimous enough to let me pretend that i thought she didn't know...

someone who could smile through pain, and sound as cheerful as though she were in the pink of health. i feel proud of having known her and even more so that a part of her lives on in me.

miss you my sweetheart, mamma! miss you lots!