i hope she is in a better place now...someplace where there is no pain, no suffocation, no hassles, no suffering. in the end, that's all i wanted for her; for the pain to disappear. of all the disappointments i've ever faced, this one has been the biggest; the disappointment and hurt associated with losing someone so dear.

one moment you are feeling very safe and secure, assured of unconditional and limitless love, and the next moment that safety net is yanked and you see the depths of the abyss that you could fall into. it's a crazy feeling, one that leaves you feeling very unnerved.

i think she must know that i miss her...that behind the calm face and the dry eyes, there lurks a sense of intense longing, to be able to pick up the phone, dial that number and talk to her for a while, about everything under the blue sky.

there has never been a soul and there never will be one again, that knew my entire life without having to be told about it. she knew the secret desires of my heart, she knew of the crushes, the first love..everything! and she was magnanimous enough to let me pretend that i thought she didn't know...

someone who could smile through pain, and sound as cheerful as though she were in the pink of health. i feel proud of having known her and even more so that a part of her lives on in me.

miss you my sweetheart, mamma! miss you lots!

I wish some things lasted forever...innocence, love, liking, relationships. And also that these feelings were always mutual among two or more people (more like a "at first sight" thingy).

Pipedreams I know...and it may not make much sense to a lot of people, but increasingly, i wish it were true :

and i wish that some things could be in our control too; once in a while atleast. it breaks my heart everytime i think of the few most important things in my life that aren't in my control, and i feel so helpless seeing them go awry day by day. i guess i have truly reached the nadir and all roads lead up from hereon...(i hope so)

a lot of stuff...and happy new year!

What the overdose of technology has done for mankind can be surmised thus "the world has become a smaller place". Basically, that is a very good thing. You get to know what happens at the antipodal end of the world in a matter of a few minutes, and you feel enlightened and happy and awed, and all of those emotions that one associates with a state of well being. On the other hand, the smallness thingy does constrict you in ways that you would never think of. People have suddenly found that they can beat their drums and blow their trumpets in ways that they could never have fathomed ere the techno era. And so we have orkut, and then we have facebook, and then we have linked in...and the list goes on.

The thing with these social (and professional) networks is that people invest a lot of time and energy in these to show off to the world that they are the best. And the moment they think that someone on their "friends list" is a wee bit better (based on the latest snaps and the newest communities to his/her credit), they cannot stop until they put in something that makes them an inch ahead in the race for whatever it is that all of seem to be vying for...i haven't been able to pinpoint it as yet!

For my part, I would have liked to say that I am unmoved by it all; but that wouldn't be entirely true because a few months back I got so depressed at my apparent lack of achievements, that I cut myself off from the world. So well, I am vain and human too...but I would like to think that I am less so. Whether others agree, is entirely upto them.


And now for some seasons greetings:

Happy new year
Happy new year
May we all have a vision now and then
Of a world where every neighbour is a friend
Happy new year
Happy new year
May we all have our hopes, our will to try
If we dont we might as well lay down and die
You and I

(That's from a very favourite song which I used to listen endlessly on hot summer afternoons when I was growing up)

My new year resolution:
Not to lose my self esteem by knocking on doors that have been banged shut.

so, here's wishing that 2009's the year when all our dreams come true :)