The Strife Within

Cold winds that blow in from an open window
Newspapers strewn across the floor
A coffee mug from a couple of days ago
Loud music rushing in from the neighbour's next door
She surveys the scene with detachment
Never once dwelling upon the chaos apparent
Turmoil of another kind brews up a storm maelvolent
As her heart seethes in agony of a kind that only she knows...

what do you do when nothing goes as per your plan? sit back and relax and watch...as simple as that!

and then there came the jealousy.

and resentment.

a lot of hurt.

some tears, often unseen.

bitterness.

longing.

a lot of fantasising.

dreaming of what-ifs...

i had never imagined it would come down to this someday.

and now that it has, where is my famous will power? the steely strength that the world marvels at, at times? dont they know, that the inability to show one's fear, one's hurt, one's agony, is a failing in itself? that one yearns to be able to shed the veil of sophistication and the stiff-upper-lip demeanour, if only to be rewarded with some reprieve from the burden that lies heavily upon one's shoulders? can absolutely no one see it?

have i been so bad, so absolutely bad? and if i have, were all those bad things i did, so utterly unpardonable? would goodness, even if a trifle, come in handy to pay the measure for the badness?

will i be able to laugh one day, with head thrown back, hands held wide apart, a deep heartfelt laugh, sans all sophistication, telling the world that my blues have gone? will that day dawn in this lifetime?

i had heard of mutual admiration societies, but increasingly find myself joining mutual non-admiration societies! that's my very own term for those "relationships" (or the lack thereof), between two people who dont like anything about each other, know that all too well, and have to share space for whatever weird reasons.

just when i was thinking that my life's all settled, and that at 29, i wouldnt have to go through that kind of rigmarole anymore, life took a sharp u-turn and i found myself in one such mutual non-admiration situation. it's so yuck, and i thank god that it's over and thankfully (and hopefully!) in my past...

3 days to the 5th anniversary, and i feel very much like a marriage veteran; and so i thought i could dispense some advice for the benefit or amusement or timepass of the unmarried folks (married ones would be busy i reckon ;) )...

beyond the romance and the sweet nothings, lies the reality of real life with your partner... for life! some points you must consider...

if you are an indian and are likely to live in tropical india, please be sure to marry someone who shares your choice for which state the ceiling fan/ac should be in...if not, you are in for some hot nights (very literally, no pun intended!) or cold ones... depending upon what your choice is.

marry someone who shares your love for food...or the lack thereof. it would be difficult for a foodie to be hooked up with someone who is on a perennial diet.

don't prolong a fight; think of the bonus... you make up, and pave the way for another fight and more potential gifts from your spouse as part of the making up ;) but seriously, there aint no fun in a long drawn battle of words between a couple...

girls, don't nag :) boys, don't wisecrack too much; especially about her weight, looks, obsessive compulsive disorders :)

give each other the space to live your own lives... each person is an entity after all, no matter what everyone else says. you can't change who you are, or the person you married; it's better to make allowances :)

i was reading through some of the entries in this blog, and i couldnt find a common vein anywhere... mark of genius, or sign of imminent madness, i wonder ;)

oh yeah, one common feature is the lack of capitals :) i do hate capitals, i wonder who created that convention! as a kid, it was ok... no special effort to write a capital letter, but whew... pressing the shift key every now and then just to make sure your writeup adheres to some dumbass convention...that sucks (look at me swearing; how i've changed...sigh!)

Indi novels and the lessons in them

There's been so much going on, and so many paralell thoughts traversing my mind right now that I wouldn't be able to sound coherent if I started rambling on all of them. Let's try the "slow and steady" or the "one at a time" strategy.

I read two books by Indian authors in as many days, in the last week. While the first one was decidedly amusing and "fresh", the second one didn't come right up there on my charts. The author's an MBA (and from IIM C, no less) so maybe that's why she put in such an elaborate plot that involved an MNC and professional ethics and competition and all of those things that basically sap the energy out of you at the end of a working day...so maybe that's why the novel didn't particularly appeal to my senses. I mean who would want to be reminded of the mundane stuff in her life when she is trying to find solace in something unique and out of the world? So yeah, please don't read "Piece of cake" unless you want to know how a product manager for a cake would promote her product (or launch it, or whatever it is that Minal Sharma was trying to do in the book).
Now the other book "Almost single"... it's another piece of cake altogether (pun intended). Read it and savour its deliciousness, that's all I would say :)

So that brings me to dwell upon that quintessential question that springs up when you read both books... what is it with Indians that blocks their mind to accepting 25+ year old single females as smart, good looking, moral, sensible and caring human beings? Why is it that if you are older than 25, you have to be married (and preferably have a kid perched on your hip), as proof of being a nice human being? (nice = someone who cared enough to "allow" her parents to get her married off at the "right age").

And no, I am not a feminist! It's just that I think that the Indian system sucks somewhere. Just take a rational look at it, where you probably place yourself in a frame of reference that's apart from the one where the parents and the kids are placed (think high school physics)... so you have parents that mollycoddle and spoon feed their kids all through the kids' childhood and then when the kids grow up, the former seem to forget to let go of the reins; so they proceed to decide when the "kid" should marry and when she should procreate, and where the "kid" should live, or what career she should pursue or if she should have one at all (and this is not true for female offspring alone, though they do seem to be more "susceptible" to such parental treatment) . And all our movies and serials and reality shows try to promote this as THE most important national value!

At the risk of sounding unpatriotic, I must say, that that kind of interference sucks; and it's time we accept that the great Indian culture does have some gaping holes!

P.S: I haven't based all of what I have written, on two novels alone. Like most other "normal" human beings, I think too :)

swine flu and other maladies...

one cannot have a conversation, watch the t.v., read the newspaper, or even surf the internet without chancing upon that most dreaded term "swine flu", these days. dreaded, not because of its potential to induce fatality, but mostly because the topic's been beaten to death and frankly, has become like an eye sore that won't go away. i think i need vaccines to sanitise myself against monotonous discourses on swine flu, causes and symtoms, death tolls, preventive measures and what not.
so the in-laws would like us to stay cooped within our house until god knows when.
and the client wants to implement a bcp.
and i am sure the government will declare emergency if people put up the same pressure for another 2 months.
in the meantime, we have scores of people passing away because of our negligent driving, or because of potentially far more fatal diseases like malaria, dengue, AIDS, and several others. but no, we must let the swine flu have its day in the sun, mustn't we? and forget about everything else until another dreaded disease decides to have its share of attention...

after a long time...

the monsoons are here atlast, or so we comfort ourselves. nothing fullblown like last year, but it's wet and drizzling most of the time. dad's happy with that bit; he was starting to get worried about the 7 hour powercuts that my sibling was having to put up with.

it's strange how parents never seem to stop worrying about their offspring. the sibling is all of 33 years old (well almost!) and dad still frets over him and me as though we were still the school kids prancing around the garden, playing gulley cricket and head-ball (my brother's innovation, haha) or sometimes on rainy afternoons, bus-bus (strange little game where he would be the bus conductor and me the passenger) :D perhaps dad now feels, subconsciously, that he needs to do double the worrying (mom's share too).

i don't suffer from bouts of nostalgia anymore... or if i do, i am certainly not aware of it at a very conscious level. thank god for small mercies... it doesn't serve much purpose to reminisce about a homestead that now exists only in one's memories, and of a time that can never ever come back!

i am kind of looking forward to this weekend, but i do have gigantic butterflies in my stomach too. i hope it all goes well... wish me luck, someone :)

what is wrong with the self righteous folks? i mean, can't they get a life? open their eyes wide and look around and realise that the world does not revolve around them? truly, that shouldn't be hard, considering that the ones i know are all reasonably well educated and men/women of wisdom! bah...