The Strife Within

Cold winds that blow in from an open window
Newspapers strewn across the floor
A coffee mug from a couple of days ago
Loud music rushing in from the neighbour's next door
She surveys the scene with detachment
Never once dwelling upon the chaos apparent
Turmoil of another kind brews up a storm maelvolent
As her heart seethes in agony of a kind that only she knows...

what do you do when nothing goes as per your plan? sit back and relax and watch...as simple as that!

and then there came the jealousy.

and resentment.

a lot of hurt.

some tears, often unseen.

bitterness.

longing.

a lot of fantasising.

dreaming of what-ifs...

i had never imagined it would come down to this someday.

and now that it has, where is my famous will power? the steely strength that the world marvels at, at times? dont they know, that the inability to show one's fear, one's hurt, one's agony, is a failing in itself? that one yearns to be able to shed the veil of sophistication and the stiff-upper-lip demeanour, if only to be rewarded with some reprieve from the burden that lies heavily upon one's shoulders? can absolutely no one see it?

have i been so bad, so absolutely bad? and if i have, were all those bad things i did, so utterly unpardonable? would goodness, even if a trifle, come in handy to pay the measure for the badness?

will i be able to laugh one day, with head thrown back, hands held wide apart, a deep heartfelt laugh, sans all sophistication, telling the world that my blues have gone? will that day dawn in this lifetime?

i had heard of mutual admiration societies, but increasingly find myself joining mutual non-admiration societies! that's my very own term for those "relationships" (or the lack thereof), between two people who dont like anything about each other, know that all too well, and have to share space for whatever weird reasons.

just when i was thinking that my life's all settled, and that at 29, i wouldnt have to go through that kind of rigmarole anymore, life took a sharp u-turn and i found myself in one such mutual non-admiration situation. it's so yuck, and i thank god that it's over and thankfully (and hopefully!) in my past...